I have always been an introvert. Long before I had children, I re-energised with time to myself, had to gather my thoughts and figure out my feelings before I could share them accurately, and could express myself better through writing than speaking. I can’t remember ever enjoying making or receiving phone calls, and prefer the company of just a few close friends rather than being in a big group setting.
But having moved around a bit growing up, spending a gap year living and working in community and schools, and being a fairly social person despite my introversion, I always sat just over the introvert line, and could easily pass as a borderline extrovert.
And then, I had kids.
Fellow introverted mums: did you also find yourself becoming doubly introverted after having children?
Something changed in me after the birth of my firstborn. I was never really alone, I was needed 24 hours a day, there were no breaks, and I craved just a moment of silence. I would count down the hours to nap times and then spend much of that time praying that she didn’t wake up yet.
Now, I love my kids. More than I ever thought possible. I love spending time with them and watching them grow. I enjoy their company, at least most of the time! But sometimes… sometimes I crave the quiet. I enjoy a good mothers and toddlers group, and have loved making new mummy friends and going deeper with old ones. I love date nights with my husband and going to see family. But the thing I want most and have least since I became a mum is time to myself.
So to my fellow introverted mums, whether you have young children already or are about to welcome your first child into the world, let me share some survival tips with you that I have learned the hard way over the last 3 years:
- Have a list of babysitters. Whether this is grandparents, your spouse, older children, siblings, in-laws, trusted friends, professional childminders or older trustworthy sensible kids from the church youth group, have a nice long list you can turn to when you feel like you are going crazy and know that just 1 hour to yourself to have a bath, or read a book, or eat a whole meal in peace, or go for a walk, or watch a TV show, or simply sit and enjoy the quiet over a (hot!) cup of coffee, will make all the difference in the world.
- Stop comparing yourself to more extroverted mums. I’m not saying they have it easy, not by a long shot, but it can feel pretty tough sometimes when you are someone who enjoys quiet and alone time, to enter the break-less, noisy, full-on period of parenting young children. Don’t look at the mum whose children don’t nap but who somehow always seems to be smiling, or to the parent who goes to every mum and baby group in the area, or the one who takes her kids to every event that happens within a 30-mile radius. You don’t love your children any less and you are not parenting them any worse by hoping the hour-long nap turns into a 2 hour one and playing in your back garden or a quiet playground, or meeting just one mum and baby for coffee and calm conversation rather than exposing your children to as many other kids as possible to make more friends and socialise them.
- Have a notepad app on your phone, or a physical notebook to write things down in. Your brain is probably going 100 miles an hour all.the.time. You may forget things a lot, or stress over the details. Write things down as they come to you. Set reminders for things you must not forget. And then try to forget about all those things. You’ve written them down. You know where to find them. Stop worrying about them to try to clear your head a little bit!
- 20 minutes of proper uninterrupted, engaged, quality time with your child is worth more than hours of distracted play. Seriously. Stop feeling like you have to entertain them and play with them 100% of the time. Make the quality time. Plan it. Stick to it. Turn off your phone or leave it elsewhere. Enjoy being with your child. However long you feel is best, stick to that. Do it a few times a day if you like. But don’t feel guilty for not being the constant entertainer. Because your child appreciates your full attention for a short amount of time rather than half-hearted play constantly throughout the day. They will learn skills by playing independently and with other friends, peers, or siblings.
- Schedule in some “you” time. Hire a babysitter. Plan it out with your spouse. Swap a babysitting hour with a fellow mum so you each have an hour with both kids and an hour alone. Just make sure you have some time planned in daily, weekly or monthly to look forward to. What you do with that time is up to you, but I will add one caveat: do not do housework. Ideally, leave the house. Don’t feel guilty about leaving the dirty plates in the sink and taking time to yourself. The plates will still be there when you get back. But you might not get this chance to have some down time for a while. A while ago, my husband suggested he take the kids one day a week while I went out to write, work on my blogs, read and generally relax. That day each week has not only made me calmer and happier, but it has made me a better mother, has helped my children to actually get a chance to miss me and enjoy my company more when I come home, as well as allowing me to run Life With Open Arms and Raising Sugar Free Kids and bring me opportunities I am very grateful for. Maybe you just need an hour a way, or 20 minutes a day, or 1 day a month. Maybe you need more. Work out what is a) possible and b) going to keep you sane. You will be a better parent for it!
- Establish a routine. Introverts don’t always cope fantastically with change. I learned to adapt, and even enjoy change, from my upbringing growing up abroad, but having children made me feel like I’d taken a huge step back in this respect! Having a routine that is flexible but predictable is shown to benefit young children, but it also really helps us as mums. Knowing roughly what is coming in the day and being able to plan around it really really helps.
- Don’t isolate yourself. When my son was born and I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I found it really hard to not isolate myself. My instinct was to become more than introverted, and I started using that introversion as an excuse to get out of social engagements, meeting other mums or friends, and going out with my kids. While having some time alone and resting is very very important, to all mums and particularly to introverted mums, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also make time for friends, fellow mums and family. Figure out what is realistic for you in this new phase of life, and plan it in. It won’t just happen. You need to make it happen. Find just one or two groups or activities you could go to with (or without) children, and then make sure you show up. Make new friends. Stay in touch with old friends. Other mums will be a lifeline for you. There will be many many times where you will need to hear you are not alone in something. There will be many many times where you need someone who understands. Mums with young kids like you will save you in those times. And mums with older kids will give you hope that it gets easier and advice for when it feels like it never will!
- Take your kids on “dates”. Us introverts are often best one-on-one. Whether you have one child or 6, make a little time regularly to take each child out for some time with you doing something special. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it doesn’t have to be weekly, it doesn’t have to be long. Just make sure you spend a little time out of the house having a good time together and building memories just the two of you. It’s a great habit to get into!
- Sometimes leaving the room for a moment is better than losing the plot. The hardest days I’ve ever had as a mum, the ones that ended with everyone in tears, shouting, screaming and begging daddy to come home, have always been those where there has been low-level, but constant whingeing or crying. Short bursts of it, even intense ones, are tough, but somehow never seem as bad. But if you feel like the whingeing has been going on all.flipping.day. and you can feel the frustration and anger bubbling up inside you, sometimes the best thing is to put your child somewhere you know they are safe, and leave the room for a moment to let the quiet wash over you, take a deep breath, and let it all go. Taking a moment to steady yourself and go back in to the situation calmer is going to help your child far more than staying there and losing it. If that is what you need to do, do it. They will thank you.
- Banish the guilt. This is true for all mums, introverted or not. I am a big proponent of stopping making ourselves and other mums feel bad about the way we parent, the choices we make, and the differences between us. We need to recognise that we are all different, that our kids are unique, and that there is no one way to parent. Making each other feel bad helps no one. Supporting each other without judgment helps everyone. So when you feel the “mum guilt” settling in, remind yourself of how good a job you are doing as a parent, and that there is no perfect parent. None. Not the mums you compare yourself to (seriously, stop that!), not the mums who write books and blogs about parenting, not the mums whose children slept through the night at 4 weeks or the ones whose children have never watched TV. Seriously, you are doing an amazing job. I promise.
And a bonus one that I have found completely indispensable for me?
Find a project. And I don’t mean the laundry. I mean something creative that you truly enjoy doing. Something that feels restful to you, and that stimulates you intellectually. For me, that’s my websites. It’s writing, cooking, researching. For you, it might be baking, drawing, painting, sewing, decorating, crafting, reading, music… whatever it is, having goals to aim for and focus that drives you will help you to feel like something other than “just mummy” for a few hours. And sometimes we need to create in order to remember what we were created for.
